


Self indulgence

by MelicMusicMagic



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Gen, Just getting shit off my chest..., Stress Relief, life is too much, stress writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9389561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelicMusicMagic/pseuds/MelicMusicMagic
Summary: So, I did a thing. I don't usually write things down like this, but I felt the need to put things into words and I think this may have worked for me?Just me/reader (1st person) getting anxious and Sans being a good friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This may not be my first fic, but I'm still new to this. There's not much Undertale here at all, rather just looking for someone to be a friend and since I've been crazy into Undertale I ended up with Sans. I don't think I'll have gotten his character right but that wasn't my focus when I wrote this. Sorry if it's not your cup of tea. I just spent the last couple of hours writing this and now I've got a headache so I'm gonna get some sleep. If only it was this easy to write assignments...

Another day, another day wasted; lying in my room, escaping from reality by losing myself in the worlds of others as I scroll through the pages.

It’s been weeks since I’ve seen anyone but my family, and even then it’s only brief interactions as I leave to gather sustenance or for the occasional shower. I’m sick of it, but I’m too anxious to leave the worlds I explore to properly reflect on my own.

It’s been this way for as long as I remember. As soon as other obligations stop the required interactions, I just retreat into myself and ignore the world. I used to visit family when I was younger during these holiday periods, but as my siblings and I grew old enough to look after ourselves our parents stopped taking the time to drive us over an hour away just to have supervision.

I miss the days before I thought too deeply about it, but my habits of retreating had long since begun to impact my grades as much as my relationships. At this rate, I’d flunk my degree before I even made it halfway through and lose everyone that I knew who wasn’t family because I wouldn’t be seeing them regularly anymore. It already happened during the transition from primary to high school. It’s a miracle I even had friends given how little I saw and interacted with them.

Wanting to at least do _something_ , I decided to actually charge my phone. It’d been flat for a few days but given there wasn’t anyone to contact me anyway, and I wasn’t one to begin conversations, I’d left it to die. It was as it reached five percent that the notifications started pouring in. Having not expected it, and dreading the worst, I picked up the phone and checked who was messaging me. There were a few messages from a friend of a friend named Papyrus, inviting me over to hang out and try his friendship spaghetti two days ago.

Whoops.

There were also a few messages from his brother, Sans, which seemed to give off the impression that he wasn’t very pleased with how I’d apparently brushed off his brother without even a ‘no thank you.’ But then the tone of his messages seemed to change, asking where I’d been, as even Alphys hadn’t seen or heard from me in ages. I knew I should reply, but trying to explain myself was so damn _hard_. I wanted to be normal. To be able to face people without a constant shiver of anxiety running through me, to be able to concentrate on studying without fearing failure, to have people I could rely on and actually _be open with-_

The phone rang.

It was Sans.

Hesitantly, I picked it up. “Hello?”

“oh, so you are alive. been worried about you kid, you just disappeared since classes ended. what’ve you been up to?”

What could I say? I wouldn’t lie to him, but telling the truth would look bad too. I squashed down the feeling as I replied, “Nothing important.” There was a pause in our conversation. “I’m sorry about Papyrus. My phones been dead the past few days and I just started recharging it.”

“i’m sure you are kid, and that’s kinda what i wanted to ask about.” I waited, anxious to what his enquiry would be. “are you okay kid? i know that apparently this disappearing thing is normal for you according to your older friends, but if this last year has been any indication, i know you haven’t really been having the best of times with your study for your resit right now. how has that been going?”

God that’s right. I had less than a week left before I had to re-take the exam and I’d only gone over the first weeks’ worth of lecture slides. Just thinking about all the study I needed to catch up on had my chest tightening in worry. “Not well. I’ve barely done anything about it, and I've had over a freaking month…” Fighting back tears, I tried my best to keep my voice straight to not let on how close this subject was to breaking me down.

“hey, kid, it’s gonna be alright.” Guess I failed at that. “tell you what, what’s your address?”

I stared ahead in confusion, where was this coming from? I told him the street and number. “Why?”

As I waited a few seconds for a response, the sound of static flowed through the phone and had me flinching away to check if the connection was still going. As the sound stopped, I put the phone on speaker rather than place it by my ear again. “Sans? Hello?”

Someone rapped twice on the front door. “knock knock.”

Swearing, I scrambled to put on something decent so I could answer the door. “Who’s there?”

As I left my room to approach the front door I heard a response from both the phone and on the other side of the wood. “adore.”

“Adore who?”

“there’s a door between us, can you open it?”

Smiling at his silliness, I ended the call as I opened the door for him. “Sorry about this,” I gestured to my pyjamas, “I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors.”

“that’s fine kid, no need to get dressed up for me.”

“Come on in.” I opened the door wider so he could step past me. My mum and stepdad were at work, while my brothers were either visiting my dad or off with friends, so Sans and I had the house to ourselves. “What brings you here? Surely there’s something better you could be doing than visiting little old me.”

“nah, nothing important. thought we could catch up a bit, since it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, it has.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say, and having someone see me like this, in the middle of the day no less, was beginning to make me nervous. “Would you like something to drink? We have some soft drinks, or there’s water if you’d prefer?”

“water’s fine thanks.” I directed him to the couch as I entered the kitchen to pour him some water. “How’ve you been?” I asked as I sat with him.

“i’ve been fine, but i didn’t come here to talk about me.” I looked up at him, startled. “i’m here because you seemed like you needed someone. hell if i know if i’m the right person for this, but i figured it was better to confront the issue straight away rather than leave it to fester.” I stared at him, frozen. “so, what’s eating ya kid?”

Suddenly, the anxiety of the upcoming exam, the fear that I was going to fail university, the worry that my friends wouldn’t be there anymore, the paralysing thought that I was failing at life, just overwhelmed me. I started to cry.

I tried to hide it, lifting my hands up to my eyes and trying to keep my breathing steady, when I felt his arms around me. He rubbed my back as he used his other hand to guide my face into his shoulder. I leaned into the embrace, wondering briefly when the last time I’d actually received a hug was, as the final wall crumbled and I broke down sobbing.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to tell him, “this isn’t your mess, it’s mine. It’s all my fault that I just keep hiding and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass but I can’t stop and fucking face it…” I’m not usually one for swearing. I don’t see the point in doing so senselessly, but right now it was the only way I could think of to accurately convey how much I hated how I was behaving, the effects of my actions and how they’d brought me to this point of collapse, over and over again with every deadline until I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Through all of this, Sans stroked my hair as he rocked me, whispering assurances into my ear as I cried onto his shoulder. As I slowly pulled myself together, I whispered back to him, “I’m sorry you have to deal with me like this.”

“kid, i had an idea of what to expect when i came here. there’s nothing to apologise for. everyone needs to let it out sometimes.”

I sniffled as I drew away from his embrace, peering down at my lap and I trying to hold it in as I reached for a tissue to blow my nose with. With that done, Sans laid his hand on my shoulder, “feel better?”

“A little.”

“good. i’m guessing most of this stress is from the exam coming up?”

I nodded to his question, using the tissue to dab at my eyes as tears continued to fall.

“well then, why don’t i help you tackle that first. one step at a time, right?”

I looked up at him to see him smiling softly at me, his sockets slightly closed in concern as I regarded him. “Yeah, one step at a time.”

There’d be time for the big things later, but this at least was something I could fix _now_. and with Sans here to keep me on task, I felt that just maybe, things would actually turn out okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this about half a year ago but didn't post it. Probably because it's short, but I think my next rant kinda makes more sense if I just put both of these up...

“alright kiddo. What’s up?”

I could feel his hand rubbing over my back through the duvet. Not seeing his face, I could tell his concern through the tone of his voice. Why bother with me though? He’d be better off without an idiot like me in his life, everyone would be.

“come on kid, you know I don’t do too well with guessing games.”

I brought my face out of my pillow so he could hear me, but didn’t turn to face him, “I failed again.”

“failed what?”

“My exam resit.”

He hissed in a breath at my words. “aww, kid. things’ll turn out ok.”

“Maybe in the end, but they’re gonna kick me out of the course. Even if they don’t and I go part-time I’ll lose my payments for being a student, and mum’s gonna be so pissed…” my eyes were watering at this point. I took deep breaths and sniffled to stop myself from out-right bawling.

“i’m sure she’ll understand.”

“It’s three years down the drain and I wasted it… I could have done better, but I didn’t. I was given second chances and I still failed.” I was breathing heavily now, snot running down the back of my throat as I fought to keep it off my face.

“kid, look at me.”

I sat up slowly, tugging the duvet around me. Turning to his direction, I couldn’t lift my face. He reached forward to bring my gaze to his. “so you’ve hit a bit of a rut. maybe this one wasn’t your profession. you’re still young, there are plenty of other things you could try. the world is still turning for you.” He reached forward to bring me closer in a hug, rubbing my back in a soothing gesture.

My chest tightened in emotion as he held me close. The gentle rubbing causing my already thin emotional walls to crumble. I reached up to hug him back, burying my face into his shoulder as my breathing staggered.

“there you go kiddo. you’ll be alright.”

I can’t keep running anymore. It’s time to live in the present.


	3. Is it really worth it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just something I wrote over the past couple hours...

**_BANG BANG BANG_ **

“OPEN UP PUNK!!!”

You could hear Undyne hitting your door so hard she might knock it down. While the voice in your head told you ‘what does it matter?’ there was a larger feeling of concern for your friend, so you got up to answer it. When you opened the door you see Undyne and Sans standing there, looking at you concerned.

“hey kiddo. how you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” you say, although that couldn’t be further from the truth. “Would you two like to come in?” Stepping aside to let them in you took a deep breath to steady yourself before turning to face them. “Would you like something to drink? We’ve got water and some soft drink?” They shook their heads in a no as they led the way into your room. You rushed ahead of them to try and clean up a bit first, at least pulling the blanket up so they could have somewhere to sit.

“So what brings you two here?” you ask as the three of you take a seat on the bed with you between the two.

They turned to each other before Undyne began to speak, “Punk, we know you’re not ok. We heard about your results, and if the reaction from last semester is any indication then this is probably hitting you even harder.”

What little effort you were mustering to smile crumbled as you fought to keep your face neutral. “It’s not the end of the world yet. I have another semester before they’d kick me out.” The phrase about being kicked out sends a spike of pain and worry through your chest, likely through your very SOUL if their glance down to your chest is any indication.

“that’s not all there is, is it kiddo?”

You can feel a tightening in your chest as you struggle not to start crying again. You keep your mouth shut. There’s no use lying to them, but that doesn’t make admitting the truth any easier.

“Punk, you better spill it before I suplex you off of this bed,” Undyne is looking at you with a stern expression. You can’t keep your head up to face them.

“My mum called me. She wanted to know my results.” You don’t see it, but they send a concerned look to each other over your head. “When I told her a had a sup, she got mad. She said she doesn’t want an unemployed bum living under her roof,” your struggling to keep your voice somewhat steady as tears cloud your eyes and you nose gets stuffy, “she said if I fail again she’d kick me out.”

Your sniffing and drying your eyes at this point, trying to keep it all in, when you feel two sets of arms pull you into a bone-crushing hug. You clench your fists and your throat closes up as you try to keep the final wall blocking the dam from breaking in front of your friends. But then Sans starts to rub your back and the gentle action finally breaks you. Trying to keep some of your composure you keep your throat tight to quiet yourself as you bury your face into Undynes’ shoulder.

“You want me to beat her up for you punk?” Undyne offers, but you shake your head. You know your mum has every right to be mad at you. You were supposed to be graduating next year but these subjects had been a bane to you for the past few years and your inability to justify your answers and your results was sending you on a downward spiral of self-hate and isolation.

“you’d always have a place with us if that ever happened kiddo. i’m sure pap would appreciate having the extra company.”

“And if you ever got tired of hanging out with those dweebs you could room with me and Alphy!”

Turning your face to get the words out clearly, “Thanks guys, but I wouldn’t want to be a burden.”

“kiddo, look at me.”

You take a deep breath to keep in your sobs but it doesn’t help much with Sans still rubbing your back as you pull away from Undyne to face him. “that voice that tells you that shit, that you’re a burden or you aren’t worth it and people would be better off without you? it needs to go drown itself. if there’s one lesson i’ve learned from pap all these years it’s that there’s always someone out there who cares about you and would _never_ get over it if you were gone.”

You stare at him with surprise. He seemed more concerned than you were expecting, “i don’t know if i’m just reading too much into this, but i figured it was better to say it than leave it unsaid.”

Left speechless, you could only nod to show you understood. But a few words that you had been trying to tell yourself, even if they sounded stronger coming from an outside source, could only do so much for the weight pressing down on your chest.

Was it really worth it? Or would you stumble over this edge you were crawling towards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this may come off as quite bad concerning my mental health, but I'll tell you straight I'm not gonna off myself any time soon. I'm just really down in the dumps...
> 
> All the usual guys. If you see any errors or think there's something I can improve on with my writing I'm open to criticism.


End file.
